No Puedo Dormir

I Am Truly My Silence I am what I do not say. I am every emotion I suppress behind a smile, when inside my heart is flooded with tears that for some reason cannot come out. I am every kiss I haven’t given due to my shyness. The "I love you’s" that wither away until time erases the memory of each intense emotion I’ve had. I am the hugs I need every time I keep my hands in my pockets. I am, and perhaps we all are, everything we choose to stay silent about for the sake of "decency." The world is built on lies. At 3 p.m. on a Tuesday, August 10th, three years ago, I was ready to end my life. My mind seemed possessed by an insatiable desire for silence. To no longer hear my thoughts, in which I was someone whose soul was never satisfied. To silence every inner voice that repeated that the accident of my existence had no role in the lives of others. I wanted to stop thinking that my time in this world would be no more than a microscopic speck of dust passing without pain ...

Yo realmente soy mi silencio. Soy lo que no digo. Soy cada emoción que reprimo detrás de una sonrisa, cuando por dentro mi corazón se inunda de lágrimas que por alguna razón no pueden salir. Soy cada beso que no he dado por mi timidez. Los "te amo" que se marchitan hasta que el tiempo se lleva el recuerdo de cada emoción intensa que he salido. Soy los abrazos que necesito cada vez que guardo mis manos en mis bolsillos. Soy, y quizás todos somos, cada cosa que preferimos callar por "decencia".  El mundo está construido a base de mentiras. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A las 3 de la tarde de un martes 10 de agosto hace 3 años, estaba listo para terminar mi vida. Mi mente parecía poseída por un deseo insaciable de silencio. De no escuchar más mis pensamientos, en los que yo era alguien cuya alma nunca estaba satisfecha. De callar cada voz interior que repetía que la casualidad de mi ex...

 If Jesus Christ were among us again in these times... Would he still be that pure and sinless man we hear about in church? Or would he be a sex-addicted drunkard, to show us by example that redemption is possible? If I were God, I’d prefer the latter. No one pays attention to good people anymore. How many masks have we worn in our lives just to earn respect, love, or recognition? I've gone through different phases in my life, so distinct from one another that I feel like I've lived as more than 10 different characters. There were years when I read a lot and was part of intellectual circles. Now, it embarrasses me to think about how pretentious and refined I was at that time. I also had a phase where I tried to be a politician, thinking I could change my country, which has been in a mess for decades. During that time, I became a monster feeding my ego just to be the center of attention in the press or news (and my country will remain a mess because all the politicians fight for...

Si Jesucristo estuviera entre nosotros otra vez en estos tiempos... ¿Sería todavía ese hombre tan puro y libre de pecado sobre el que escuchamos en la iglesia? ¿O sería un borracho adicto al sexo, para demostrarnos con su ejemplo que la redención es posible? Si yo fuera Dios, preferiría la segunda. Nadie hace caso ahora a las personas buenas. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ¿Cuántas mascarás hemos usado en nuestra vida solo para tener respeto, amor o reconocimiento? Yo he tenido diferentes etapas en mi vida, tan diferentes entre sí que siento haber vivido como más de 10 personajes diferentes. Hubo años en los que leía y formaba parte de círculos intelectuales. Ahora, me da vergüenza pensar sobre lo pretencioso y refinado que era en aquella época. También tuve una etapa en la que intente ser político, pues creía que así podía cambiar mi país, que desde hace décadas está en la mierda. Durante ese ti...

I've been sleeping on the street for three years. What happened? The usual: drugs, women, gambling. At this point, I don't think about it anymore, as I've learned to enjoy my current circumstances. And it's in this life of a vagabond that you always meet the most interesting characters. Like Luis. I met Luis one day when he came to sleep under the same supermarket awning as me. I was smoking a cigarette, and he arrived with a small bag, his face dirty and full of tears, curling up in the corner like a stray dog or someone who wants to be back in their mother’s womb. For the first two months, we never spoke. However, I could see that Luis was trying his best to return to what the rich call "a normal life," that life where it's common to bathe and eat every day. However, I don't think the poor man ever succeeded. And as time passed, the condition of this unknown soul only worsened. Our first interaction was one night when, as I was trying to sleep and ig...

Hace 3 años que duermo en la calle. ¿Qué paso? Lo típico: Drogas, mujeres, apuestas. Ya en este momento no pienso en eso, pues he aprendido a disfrutar de mis actuales circunstancias. Y es que en esta vida de vagabundo, uno siempre conoce los personajes más interesantes. Como Luis. A Luis lo conocí un día cuando llego a dormir bajo el techo exterior del mismo supermercado que yo. Yo estaba fumando un cigarro, y él llegó con un pequeño bolso, la cara sucia y llena de lágrimas a acurrucarse en la esquina, como un perro desamparado o como alguien que quiere estar nuevamente en el vientre de su madre. En los dos primeros meses, nunca hablamos. Sin embargo, yo podía notar que Luis estaba haciendo lo mejor posible para retomar lo que los ricos llaman "la vida normal", esa vida en la que es común bañarse y comer todos los días. Sin embargo, creo que el pobre hombre nunca tuvo éxito. Y mientras más el tiempo pasaba, la condición de esta alma desconocida iba empeorando. Nuestra primer...

 "It can well be said that life is an episode that comes to uselessly disturb nothingness." A. Schopenhauer. After 4 years in jail, 38 countries visited, 198 lovers, 12 different jobs, and after the many lives I have lived without even dying, I finally understood what I have been searching for in this world since I was born 67 years ago. At last, I understood why, in my first relationship, I tolerated the infidelity (or infidelities) of my first girlfriend until she took pity on my miserable soul and decided to break up with me to end my suffering. I also finally understood why I went through a phase where it was very easy for me to conquer a new girl every weekend, and yet I was never able to build a relationship longer than two weeks. I also discovered the reason why my soul had to give me a different personality every few years. God, if anyone could see where I am now and what my past was, they would think they were witnessing the lives of 10 different people. In reality, ...