The Meaning of Infinity

I've been sleeping on the street for three years. What happened? The usual: drugs, women, gambling. At this point, I don't think about it anymore, as I've learned to enjoy my current circumstances.

And it's in this life of a vagabond that you always meet the most interesting characters.

Like Luis.

I met Luis one day when he came to sleep under the same supermarket awning as me. I was smoking a cigarette, and he arrived with a small bag, his face dirty and full of tears, curling up in the corner like a stray dog or someone who wants to be back in their mother’s womb.

For the first two months, we never spoke. However, I could see that Luis was trying his best to return to what the rich call "a normal life," that life where it's common to bathe and eat every day.

However, I don't think the poor man ever succeeded.

And as time passed, the condition of this unknown soul only worsened.

Our first interaction was one night when, as I was trying to sleep and ignore the parking lot lights, Luis suddenly said:

"I sleep on the street because I want to. I actually have a bed at my family’s house, but they’re detestable, and I prefer being here where no one bothers me."

I remember letting out a small laugh. I was a bit worried that Luis might hear it since every vagabond is different, and I didn’t know if he’d attack me with a knife or just share some cheap whiskey with me.

However, after saying that, he started snoring.

Out of curiosity, I decided to inspect Luis for a moment, since up to that point, I had never paid much attention to him. I thought (or knew) that he was just another crazy person.

I noticed Luis was hugging an old, dirty stuffed animal, as if his life depended on it.

And just as I was about to return to my spot, I slipped and fell onto the shopping carts, making a lot of noise and waking Luis in the process.

Luis woke up startled. I apologized for the disturbance, but he seemed to ignore my words. He began to look around with curiosity. And as if he were still dreaming and contemplating existence from within his own mind, he started talking about infinity, the purpose of life, and the cursed circumstances we’ve been dealt in this universe of ours.

---

What is infinity?

Our universe is so vast that there are planets millions of light-years away where our life and every moment of history have played out exactly the same.

Other fools on other planets have made the same mistakes we have.

Others, with luck, continue living a bourgeois life, false but peaceful.

While others are still searching for a higher purpose to give meaning to their lives.

Meaning.

What a pretentious word, isn’t it?

To believe that we’re here for a reason.

To believe that we, tiny and insignificant ants, have a role to play in a universe so infinite that new worlds are still being discovered.

Like any "unconscious" animal, we live by sheer chance, driven by pleasure to keep surviving.

We seek to satisfy our bodies with the best food, sex (with luck), and all those needs that make the wildest parts of us vibrate with satisfaction.

However, in this meaningless existence, we can only limit ourselves to being happy.

But for humans, being happy seems to be more complicated than for a beast.

Because it seems that feelings and the need for love drive our actions beyond mere carnal desires.

Basically, we’re the only animals for whom a kiss and a hug can be enough to bring peace to a heart that’s troubled precisely by that need to feel loved.

And we’ll do anything to get it.

We seek better jobs to gain the respect of others and thus increase our chances of being loved.

We dress better to meet a girl at a club one night and, with luck, be as animalistic as possible in private.

However, what sets us apart from animals is what happens after the orgasm.

And it’s that, for most of us, we feel an unnecessary desire to sleep while holding that same person.

As if it were a refuge.

As if after unleashing the wildest part of us, the most vulnerable part of us naturally reveals itself.

For us, unfortunately, it's a need to love and be loved.

And for the wretches like me who are alone, all we can do is think about those moments when we managed to fulfill that need for love, and how, due to some mistake, we’re now alone, with no hope of satisfying that need that makes us so human.

And I was loved so many times.

And this is where the concept of infinity becomes so important to someone like me.

• Twelve years ago, I met Francheska. It was a beautiful four-year relationship. We explored Europe together, started a clothing business, and began building a house for our future. But one day, out of the blue, she told me she was tired and wanted to be alone, and she left my life. Days later, I saw her holding hands with another guy, someone who, objectively, was more handsome than me. I'm sure that in another universe, my version of me would be the most handsome man in that world. And I’m certain that person, even being the most beautiful in the world, would still love the Francheska of that universe with all his heart, and together they would have created the most beautiful love story.
• Seven years ago, I met Vanessa. At that time, I was just wandering through life, making money from my job to survive, but also to improve my appearance and win the affection of another person. Vanessa and I started dating after meeting at work. Everything was going well until my insecurity about being abandoned again brought out the worst in me, and I lost my love, with her blue eyes, few words, but beautiful feelings. I’m sure that in another universe, I managed to keep my demons in check, and today, my version in that universe feels his heart at peace.
• And four years ago, I began the party life. Casual sex with a different person every night. And between the drinking and the drugs, what gave me life were the kisses of some girl lost in the excess of chemicals and depression problems. In other universes, each of those girls and I found the peace we were so desperately seeking in true love, with a family, children, and all those pretentious things that I envy so much in those damn people who have them in their everyday lives.

Thinking that my version in other universes is happy and that in his heart he gives and receives as much love as possible brings me a bit of comfort.

Infinity means that maybe (or surely) I am happy in another dimension.

The version of me in other universes understands that life has no purpose.

And in that purposelessness, the only thing that can relieve that uncertainty is love.

And if I am in these damn conditions currently, it’s because I went to the very end in my search for love, not taking the right steps along the way to do so.

Every decision I made took me further away from the only thing that gives a bit of meaning to our existence.

What is infinity?

For this poor bastard who’s hallucinating here on the streets using a newspaper as a blanket, infinity is the possibility that in other universes, someone loves me.

But here I am, like a rat searching through garbage for something to eat. And even without knowing what to eat, I still dream of love as something possible.

---

Like Luis, along the way, I’ve met dozens of vagabonds.

People who hadn’t eaten in days but in their hallucinations always talked about how one day they’d have a mansion, a successful business, and recognition from the whole world.

• Marcos, the crazy guy who always had a suitcase in hand, said he would create a space program to colonize other planets. 
• Sara, the old woman with purple hair, always said she’d start looking for a job tomorrow and that a millionaire would fall in love with her and take her on a trip to Italy.
• Ernesto, the skinny, smelly old man who always ended up in jail, dreamed of starting a revolution, ending borders, eradicating hunger, and achieving world peace.

All these crazies believed their dreams were still possible. In this life or the next. In this dimension or others.

However, when Luis finished his speech, he seemed to realize where he was and his circumstances. When silence fell over our spot, I fixed my gaze on this poor man.

For the first time, I could see in his eyes the sadness and resignation of someone who has accepted his fate, something none of the crazies I’ve known ever did.

It was as if Luis left his condition as a vagabond for a second in his mind. And in that moment, he clearly saw how he ended up sleeping on the streets. Sacrificing everything for a kiss. A hug. For the peace and calm of an "I love you."

The tragedy of his life was nothing more than the consequence of that senseless yet beautiful search that makes us human.

Love.

And maybe Luis is happy in other universes.

But in this one where we live, he is nothing more than another ghost who failed in his search to give purpose to his life.

As I covered myself with my jacket from the cold and lay down on the ground, I heard Luis start to cry. I could feel the strength with which he hugged his old stuffed animal.

Luis knew that it didn’t matter if he was happy in other universes or not.

Because in this one, the one he’s living in, he has no chance. Rats like us are only looking for food by instinct, waiting for our lives to eventually end in silence, like dust in the wind.

"In another universe, someone loves me" Luis kept repeating to himself, muttering to his stuffed animal.